The Weekend in Which We Broke the House, and the House Broke Itself

Homeownership TOTALLY SUCKED THE BIG ONE this weekend.

We were all prepared to be productive and tackle multiple monstrous projects like reseeding half the lawn and restaining the deck for Summer #2, but the house was a TOTAL ASSHOLE to us. It did not want us to get these things done. It did not want us to be happy homeowners. It wanted us to be sad, bewildered, frustrated homeowners. It wanted to hurt us. It made us hurt it.

IT DID.

SATURDAY:

After taking a 4 mile walk through Oakland with Sam on Friday night and bedding down early, we woke up chipper and motivated to do a massive spring clean-up on the yard, including reseeding a good portion of our raised lawn. We jetted off to Home Depot earlier than ever, battled our way through the pre-noon crowd while holding hands and being disgustingly positive, and by 4:00 PM we were nearly finished with our entire Saturday to-do list.

GO TEAM TEMPLE! We thought we were just a good watering away from reward pizza at Lanesplitter with Wes and Jess, until we saw it…

Broken_Door

Yep. That is our BRAND NEW sliding glass bedroom door – eight months old. We spent our first two months in this house basically sleeping in the open air waiting to get this damn door installed. And here it is – completely, very much, absolutely, extremely, broken. By a ghost. By itself.

This literally happened while we were in the yard. No one shot it with a BB gun. No one hit it with a baseball. We walked through that door to get into the yard, and when we walked back through it to get into the house, it looked like that. Apparently, old houses can do that to glass. They can just “break it” (says the innerwebs).

Eff. Me.

SUNDAY:

Determined not to let the mysterious shattered (expensive) door thwart our productivity, we were up and at ’em and ready to stain the deck on Sunday morning. WITH ADDED URGENCY! Our friends, Larry and Jess, were looking at houses in our neighborhood that day and we were so excited about their plans to stop by that afternoon. We were dying to hear all about the houses they saw and to chat all about the absolute joys of homeownership.

Stain stain stain, blah blah blah…

CRUNCH.

Nooo...

Nooo…

Trent broke the deck. He BROKE IT.

I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty of how, but just know that it is NOT COOL to plan a day around making your deck look awesome, and have it end up looking like this:

NO!!!

That’s not supposed to happen!

Luckily, I married a very handy man who can fix just about anything, using anything. He’s the most practical, intelligent, inventive man I know. He figured out how to get the deck rail back together using his skateboard as a fulcrum, and the luggage strap off our car. He didn’t have to take any of the rungs apart:

Getting fixed...

Getting fixed…

More fixed...

More fixed…

Even more fixed...

Even more fixed…

FULLY FIXED.

FULLY FIXED.

And then he bolted everything stronger than before, so if, say, he DOES want to put his full nearly-200 pounds of weight on the bottom rail again while he leans over the side to try and stain a little tiny strip of wood, well… There will be no crunching noise.

And then we carried the can of deck stain inside, and dripped it all over my rug.

And then I said, “EFF YOU HOUSE!” And started drinking beer with my friends.

Laundry drying, grass growing, girls NOT WORKING.

Laundry drying, grass growing, girls NOT WORKING.

The end.

Oh – one more thing. Turns out, the door is under a lifetime warranty WITH glass breakage. So for that reason, I’ve decided we WILL be back in the homeownership game this weekend. Thank you, Milgard.

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6 thoughts on “The Weekend in Which We Broke the House, and the House Broke Itself

  1. Peter says:

    well,well, well ,
    welcome the the rest of the wold who ownes houses , this is just a taste as to what to expect in the future, gone are the days where one could say call the lendlord ,I WANT IT FIXED BEFORE DINNER ! ! ! so much for this episode just have a drink a good laugh and keep going ,best regards
    Peter

  2. Margaret Wisniewski says:

    Thank goodness you have a husband with a wonderful, inventive mind and the patience of a saint! A skateboard and a luggage strap? Ha! Ha! You need not fear the house! It will not conquer you. Just remember that this is “house’s” way of telling you that you are not in control. However, it appears from that last photo that lesson was learned. Love, MI Mom

  3. Carla says:

    Wow, when it rains it pours!!! That is crazy about the door, but it all worked out in the end. 🙂 Trent fixing things with a skateboard is the bomb.

  4. lisatemp says:

    I am very tired this week.

  5. Viola says:

    You make me want to own nothing more complicated than a handbag.

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