Nature Drama

After recently having so many good days in nature, I’m now having some bad ones.

First, two of my three prized tomato plants decided to take a turn for the worse.

Then my cucumber vine decided to put all its efforts into a single cuke, leaving the other eight on the vine in a state of perpetual cuke infancy.

Then a nice coating of powdery mildew showed up on the youngest of my rose bushes – the dainty little one I’d been laboring over patiently for months, waiting for its first blooms. And now I’ve chopped those blooms off prematurely and sprayed the naked stem left behind with fungicide. AND IT MOCKS ME.

But really, I’m most pissed off at this:



F#@%ing CODLING MOTHS in my apples. And probably soon, my pears.

I just keep Googling “codling moth,” I think because I want to look my new enemy in the eye:

Ugly little f#@%er.

Ugly little f#@%er.

Wait – it doesn’t actually have “eyes.”


Codling moth larvae are basically “apple worms.” Like, exactly what you reeeaaalllyyy don’t want to be thinking about when you pick fruit off your own tree. They are everywhere, they have been since the beginning of time, they will find your apple tree soon enough and bore into your fruit faster than you’d think something with no legs and no eyes can move, but OH! don’t worry there’s an organic method to control them, but wait that method actually doesn’t work that well so maybe you should just spray some chemicals, but actually don’t bother because it’s nearly impossible to know when to spray the chemicals because you have to spray at the right time, and there are actually at least three times you’d have to get precisely right in order to have any chance of killing the ACTUAL larvae, but OH WAIT!!! there’s these really cool new things called pheremone traps that you hang in the tree, and the adult moths fly into them because they SMELL LIKE A SEXUAL ENCOUNTER, but once inside they get confused and the moths actually DON’T have a sexual encounter, instead they LEAVE WITH A DEADLY VIRUS, which they then pass on to their larvae when they DO have a sexual encounter (yes, this is for real), and that plan sounds BADASS except wait! it actually doesn’t work that well either because the virus only gets passed on to about 5% of the local codling moth population, OF WHICH THERE ARE APPROXIMATELY ONE BILLION.

And at least 50% of them are trying to get into MY apples. And MY pears.

So, since apparently no master gardener or orchard person or whatever has ever found a way to defeat this stupid f#@%ing moth and it’s slimy little larvae, I’ve decided to go for the only solution that seems logical. En masse.

All. Around. My. Trees.

All. Around. My. Trees.

Let’s see what they like better. The apple, or the LIGHT.

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9 thoughts on “Nature Drama

  1. Margaret Wisniewski says:

    Hilarious!!! And extremely disappointing. Two lessons here. You can’t defeat mother nature. But, you can try to “out-smart” her. If anybody can do that, you can! I am laughing out loud thinking about eye-less worms eating your precious fruit, while you watch. Kind of pisses me off too. Gardening, like golf, requires immense patience, which is why I do not do either. This will be a good lesson for you. Try to enjoy the game of wits that is going to ensue when you take the little f@#$%^&*’s on. I will be rooting for you to succeed, because I have to believe that those of us who walk upright and have large brains and thumbs should be able to conquer a small little thing like a moth. Or, maybe not. Enjoy the process!

  2. Carla says:

    Ewww! Who knew the “worm” in the apple was actually a creepy moth. That sucks. Hope the fire works.

  3. Viola says:

    Hee. It’s like your trees are guarded by fire breathing dragons!

  4. Katy BB says:

    i like marge’s advice. patience and tolerance and enjoyment of the process in nature, as in life in general, is key. and learning that the problem is often the solution and how to outsmart nature is also key. here’s a link with some info on creatively controlling codling moth; maybe we can borrow your neighbor’s chickens every once in a while to eat those suckers! chickens = many benefits: controlling codling moths, fertilizing your yard with their shit, entertaining sammy, etc….

    also, i’ll try to bring a few tomato starts for you on the 30th, if you can provide the big pots and soil, and we’ll have a lesson on planting and care of tomaters! it’s not too late to have some delicious juicy fruits this summer… 🙂

  5. […] a 3′ x 4′ patch of grass and bone-dry soil, laid down new homemade compost (all those moth-infected apples come in so handy this time of year!), and we planted a few dozen plugs of Elfin Thyme in a regular […]

  6. […] 3. That time when we realized we will never be able to eat the apples from our tree: […]

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