Earlier this year, I legitimately believed I was cursed.

I was quite certain someone put a hex on me – somebody was out there, who I’d carelessly wronged in some terrible, terrible way, and they had a little Lisa voodoo doll, and they were just poking… and poking… and poking…

Pouring glasses of water over my doll-head..

I’m serious about this. I actually did some real internet research on things like, “how to tell if you’ve been cursed”. I watched Drag Me To Hell on Netflix and got learned.

This was me. Sort of. Seriously: it’s not that far off…

But then, after about four months of torment, just as the gates of hell seemed to be opening up to swallow me whole, without any hocus-pocus of my own, the curse appeared to lift. The flooding stopped; the wounds healed.

And gradually, I stopped thinking about the Lisa voodoo doll, out there in someone’s drawer in their hocus-pocus room…


Obviously, forgetting about it was a rookie mistake. know how to survive horror films; I should have known better.

I don’t even want to speak or write about the details, because now I’m afraid that words give the curse its power.

Instead, I think I’m just going to bite the bullet and go through with this 100% legitimate, fool-proof spell for un-hexing oneself, that I’ve been hanging onto all year…

“Although it is relatively rare that someone is truly hexed, it does happen. Also, it is important to note that the mind has a very powerful effect on the body, so if you believe yourself to be hexed, in effect, you are, this spell will remove any hexed or jinxed condition, whether real or imagined. Fashion a puppet out of white felt or other white material. Stuff the puppet with vetivert herb, and place on your altar. Inscribe your name on a purple candle and anoint the candle with an appropriate oil. Visualize as strongly as possible the hex upon you…feel its power and the strength it has had over you…Now take a handful of garlic powder and sprinkle it over the puppet, while strongly visualizing the hex/jinxed condition being broken. Put as much feeling and emotion into this process as possible. Now relax and allow the candle to burn down completely. It is finished, the hex is broken. So mote it be.”

So mote it be, I’m gonna DO THIS SHIT.

And heretofore, I will never mention the curse AGAIN.

Tagged , ,

2 thoughts on “Hexed

  1. Margaret Wisniewski says:

    It’s called prayer. And I do it all the time. It works. Amen.

  2. […] I’m not just saying that because THIS year has been such an enormous loser, there’s absolutely NO WAY I CAN’T feel warm and fuzzy about a new […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: