Tag Archives: remembrance

That’s Life

As I’ve arrived in middle age, I’ve come to the realization that I’m no longer much of a public speaker.

Maybe it’s because I’m in the spotlight so much in my professional life, I just don’t want to feel that way in my personal life. I just want to relax, be myself, “turn off” – and not have to perform.

Unfortunately, middle age also seems to be the time of a familial changing of the guard; a time when life seems to be thrusting me into a “performance role” more than ever. As “big life things” happen, I feel expectant eyes on me, but that old performer within – a younger, much different woman – just doesn’t want to step into the spotlight.   Continue reading

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End of an Era

My grandfather has passed away.

RIP Sam, 1929 – 2018.

It doesn’t even seem real. I don’t think I ever stopped and thought about the day when Sam Spade wouldn’t be on this earth: what the weather would be like, where I would be living, how I would be wearing my hair, what I would have eaten for breakfast (answer: nothing – I got the news at 6:00 AM and didn’t eat for the rest of the day)…

And yet, it happened. The day is here: there is no more Sam Spade on Planet Earth. He has gone to be with his “beautiful bride”, his “Lucy in the Sky”, as we’ve affectionately referred to her since her passing, two years ago now.  Continue reading

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I turned 39 on June 2nd. It was a big deal for me.

My family, at the end of my 39th birthday weekend.

I’ve long dreaded turning 39. I think I was telling myself I was dreading turning 40, but that was a lie. I’m not afraid of 40 – I’m excited for it, actually. It’s a badge I’m anxious to earn. But I’ve been scared shitless of 39.

My father died when he was 39, you see. He did not have what most people would consider a “good death”. He was a young man with a wife and two small children – barely in his thirties – when he was given a devastating diagnosis. He and his mother were both diagnosed at nearly the exact same time, with the exact same cancer; they were each given just months to live. In hindsight, it’s very clear that both of their deaths could have been easily avoided by not subjecting them to radioactive, carcinogenic procedures to treat their (hereditary) thyroid conditions. But in the early 80s oncology was a fledgling field, ya know…

Continue reading

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My grandfather is 88 today.

Grandpa Sam on his 88th birthday, April 16, 2017.

It also happens to be Easter Sunday – every once in a while, the stars align and his birthday falls on the holiday. To celebrate, my mother took him to the MGM Grand casino in downtown Detroit. Gambling is his favorite pastime, still, at almost 90 years old. He didn’t win anything big today, but he sounded cheerful, like he genuinely had a good time.  Continue reading

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Grandma Lucy has been laid to rest.

Her funeral was this past weekend in Michigan. I was insanely emotional through the entire thing, struggling to keep my wits about me. But I had a feeling that was coming; as I’ve already mentioned, this cruel dismantling of the most precious institution in my life – the marriage of my beloved grandparents – by fate or the universe or the forces of nature or WHATEVER has been hitting me harder than anticipated.

I want to record something of the funeral weekend, though. It was beautiful: filled with friends and family and heartfelt emotion, and a wonderful reminder of not only how special my grandmother was, but how loved the rest of us are, too. My cinematic grandfather, of course (whose incredible casket bouquet studded with rhinestones “to his beautiful bride” was the perfect exclamation point on the Sam + Lucy story), and also my mother. Continue reading

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